Serves me right.

I’ve just told my mom about the incident yesterday. It was so hard to approach her last night because she just came home from buying some groceries. I wanted to tell her about it, I really wanted to. But I just couldn’t. Pride was getting in the way and I already know how she’d react. I know her too well.

Well, after a few yells that I already knew coming. I went straight to my room to gather my things. I had to pack. Yes, I’m leaving. No, I’m not running away from home. I’m leaving for the organization’s trip to Binangonan, Rizal. It’s overnight so I won’t be back home until tomorrow noon. It’s all good too. I just have to get out of the house. I don’t want those looks of “I-told-you-so” from everyone. Especially my brother. I just know he’ll be so happy teasing me about it. The thought of him making fun of me makes me want to throw up. Damn.

Mom went to my room after a few minutes of calming down. She used the “I-told-you-so” speech and went on and on about how I could have protected my things. I just kept quiet as tears were flowing in my face. I can’t help it. I feel like crying again and again. I just said that I know what I could have done, she shouldn’t bother rubbing it in. Then she left my room.

*****

I am not alright.

I want to say that I am, but I’m not. It’s so hard to force myself to smile. It’s driving me nuts. I shouldn’t be this sad, after all, it was only a wallet. A wallet, a few ID’s, ATM, a few memorable stuff, ISP cards, I can always get those. So why am I so sad? No… not really sad. I’m mad. Mad at myself for letting such a thing happen.

*****

Cry?

I’ve been doing that for the past 12 hours. Except when the time I cried myself to sleep. I can’t get it off my head! It wasn’t my fault!

Eek. Realization has come. It was my fault. I should have guarded myself from everyone. I was feeling too safe, I guess. Too safe that I thought nothing bad could happen. Well, I’m back to the real world now. It’s not safe. It’s every man for himself.

Sheesh.

What a selfish thought. Every man for himself.

Selfish? Or just practical?

Is there a difference?

*****

I’ll be leaving in a few hours! I still haven’t finished packing. I just started to get my clothes when I had the sudden urge to blog and finish reading the mush generators Chrissie and Chenks made. I feel a lot better because of it. Although one of the stories had a sad ending, I almost cried.

Listening to Jason Mraz is not helping. Maybe I should listen to Josh again.

Ooops. I realize that I’ve been posting so many rants now. I apologize to anyone who is reading it.